The Holy Ghost?

Provided, of course, you count the first two WGOs as Father and Son, this could well be some sort of ineffable spirit or other. Interestingly, to me anyway, I always pictured the HG as a horse. A HGG, as it were...

It occurs to me that I could be writing all new things about the current, modern and up-to-date today, but honestly I can't be arsed. It's all so fucking depressing. I mean, who cares what I think about Glum Prick and his Godwin's Law triggering rhetoric? Who cares what anyone thinks about such things? I mean, it's not like it'll matter in a couple of million years time.

I'd rather listen to newly minted Final Shemp tunes and wish I had decent speakers on which to enjoy them. Oh, and the time, energy and resources to complete things to my liking as opposed to having quarter-complete bits of crap that I almost like but can only hear faults in. Someday.

Actually, going to noise gigs I have been impressed by the sheer amount of wire people tend to have, and the number of toys they bring along. Witness.

Anyway, that's enough of the modern world for now, time to step back into 2006 to see what was preoccupying my preoccupations back then:

Hello, good evening and welcome to this very special Spring round-up (we’ll ignore the fact that it’s snowing
outside at the time of writing).
To begin with, we shed a tear for the noble Kanye West,
whose words have been falling on deaf ears. The antigangsta
rapper must be feeling that some fans are Missing
The Point, after some dickhead opened fire on a
steward outside a gig in Birmingham, shooting him in
the face three times. If only it had happened outside a
50 Cent gig (yes, we’ll never get tired of slaggin’ aul’
Fiddy), who has been advised by label boss Eminem
NOT to release an album this summer.
Good man, Marshall!
Of this decision, Fiddy said, 'My motivation
wasn’t really right. I get a little
frustrated from time to time and I got
so much material that I make, that
isn’t being heard, that I was like, "Yo,
I just wanna release an album again."
And he was like, 'Nah, you gotta wait.'
I don’t care about none of that [timing],
I just want the record to go out,
but it just makes better sense to take
our time and re-create the new album.'
Huh? Oh, right… And just for anyone else who loves the
gibberish this moron slabbers as much as I: 'A lot of the
music that comes out of the South is kind of simplified
and I think it’s kinda 'cause they just wanna have a good
time,' he says.' They don’t wanna think about what
[they] just said.... They really didn’t make sense, but
they made sense in a way and they just wanna hear
something while they’re actually partying and it works
for them. But when they don’t take the time to make it
the highest quality possible, it hurts the actual hip-hop
[genre]. People wanna make music they can get away
with as opposed to the best possible music they can
make. They’ll lower the grade of music.' The race to the
bottom is already on, Fiddy, and YOU are winning.
More necromancy this month as Alice In Chains do the
unthinkable. Over to you, Jerry Cantrell: 'There will be
some Alice in Chains shows this year — that’s a fact.' Let
it lie! Layne Stayley is dead. Form new bands, boys… Or
else fuck off and leave us alone…
Also digging up the past this month is Trent Reznor of
Nine Inch Nails, who has managed to snag goth legends
Bauhaus for his forthcoming tour. Next up, the re-introduction
of Fields of the Nephilim to polite society.
Where’s me flour? Bad news for fans of music as Wolf
Parade declare more activity is on the horizon in the
form of Spencer Krug’s solo project, Sunset Rubdown.
It’s a shit name, isn’t it? Avoid.
Avoid also Sting — he will be touring again soon.
But, on the bright side, Tool are soon to break their fiveyear
silence when they release their new album, '10,000
Days' next month. The long-winded noise-makers have
inexplicably continued to keep the loyalty of their fans
despite being lazy bastards who take part in some very
dodgy side-projects… Wow! What a
band!
Rick Rubin has not tired of dealing
with clapped-out old fucks (sorry
Johnny!) after his brush with Neil Diamond
— he’s back in the studio with
RAWK! faves, Slayer. Why? Money!
Not-at-all-funny-but-it-made-melaugh-
cos-I’m-a-bad-bastard. The
Event of the year so far is the stabbing
of former Jackson 5 drummer,
Johnny Jackson. Nobody seems to
agree on whether or not he was an actual Jackson Jackson.
Michael said, “Ow!”
And finally… The man with a name that is TOO easy to
parody, James Cunt Blunt, has become the first Brit to
climb to No. 1 in the Billboard charts since Elton John in
1997. Which just goes to show: Americans ARE stupid.
Stephen McMullin

A few moments of fevered excitement... Quivering...

Hey-ho and away we go... I'm continuing my self-aggrandizement/debasement (depending on your sense of humour and/or point of view) with the next What's Going On? column - this one from February or March 2006... Which is four years ago now...In fact, I can't open the PDF, so this was found in an email and I see I submitted it on Feb 16, 2006... I like ellipses...

But before I go ahead with that (perhaps I should be commenting on them along the way, I dunno) I just want to point out that I am all palm-sweats and belly-trembles at the news that my longest-running man-crush, Eugene S. Robinson of Oxbow, is going to be playing at The Lab in March. This is especially exciting to me because I have recently started 'working' (volunteering, actually) there as some form of photographer. (You can see the results of my unhandiwork here, but more specifically here and here.) Yeah, I get to hang out with all the cool guys.

Well, OK, I get to be in the room while the cool guys converse among themselves and ignore me - perhaps occasionally glancing my way in a manner that suggests there's a fart in the air that is undoubtedly mine - but isn't that better than being some loser who pays to go to gigs?

Anyway, tomorrow is Godwaffle Noise Pancakes and I have to get up before midday to be there, um, before midday so I can fotograf it and then blog it. Woohoo!

I like Thomas Dimuzio (aka Mega Gord 256, seemingly) so I look forward to that jazz.

But enough, this is almost like a real blog post or something - treat your eyes and brain to some much-younger Steve and his wafflings. Take it away, Younger Steve:

Ah, another month another load of awards shows. Well, we've all seen 'em, sworn at 'em and generally called their whole existence into question. And that is all I will say on the subject.

Well, almost.

Grrrrrrrrrreat news for the world in general - Coldplay are going to fuck off, for a while at least. When accepting an award he didn't deserve at the Brits recently, Chris Martin was heard to whine, "That's it." He said, "We won't see you for a very long time."

The glee in the room was palpable and the rest of the band (whatever their bland names are) were even heard to whisper, "Great, we can form that funky jazz-techno group we've been working on." Go to it boys, and good luck.

Other over-rated wastes of space causing a stir recently include Madonna, who has been stirring up all sorts of rumours about her marriage to That Guy Who Made Lock Stock... We at Connected can exclusively reveal the truth - it was a shameless publicity stunt to get people interested in the craggy diva before she goes on tour later this year.

Pete Doherty astounded fans and critics alike by not being sent to jail for the remainder of his natural life. The Babyshambles frontman - who is currently in the running for the Stupidest Bleedin' Druggie On The Planet Award - managed to get off with little more than a slap on the wrist, despite strolling around with more drugs in and on his person than a gang of Colombian drug mules on a weekend pleasure cruise. The mind boggles.

Fans of misery and disappointment will be over-joyed to hear that Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlain are indeed resurrecting the Smashing Pumpkins. One question Billy, why?

For the answer to this one we must look at recent offerings from the pen of Billy. Zwan, bombed. Solo album, bombed in style. Book of poems, "I didn't even know he'd released one!" is the usual response... So, flog that dead horse, you crazy slap-head.

Proving that having the biggest selling British debut album of all time cuts no flap-jacks against the raging tide of hip-hop, the Arctic Monkeys were booted down to number two in the charts by nine-years-dead rapper, Notorious B.I.G. Fair play to the fat fuck for still going. If only all our dead were this productive, there'd be no need to get up for work on a Monday morning...

Speaking of dead people, rapper Busta Rhymes sees them, but he won't tell them damn cops nothin' about it. Rhymes' bodyguard was the recipient of 14 shots, fired from an AK-47 assault rifle outside the studio the artist was filming a video in. Police, aside from being irked by the lack of co-operation from the rap camp, believe it was part of an argument that spilled onto the street.*

An argument? With someone holding an AK-47? There's one for the Darwin awards, anyway...

That's all for now, it only remains for me to say - Barry Manilow's comeback. Who the fuck is buying these records?!

*There is a terribly unfunny in-joke in the next WGO regarding this particular bit of off-the-cuff ranting. Apparently I was supposed to insert 'allegedly' in there somewhere, didn't and got one of those amusing Ed. notes that I love so much inserted in the text. Marvellous! Just so you know, for when you don't read the next post, either...

The first ever What's Going On...

From way back in January of 2006! The things I was getting het up about then... I don't even remember why I cared. Still... I do like the bit about Ian Curtis.

You could be forgiven for thinking, after the year that was in it, that Bob Dylan was the closest any human being had ever come to God.

You’d be wrong, however, as that mantle has been unashamedly grasped by none other than ex-Verve warbler, Richard Ashcroft, who said recently of the Big G, “I love the man, I feel like him.” But he’s not just blowing his own, oh no, apparently: “There’s only Richard Ashcroft and Liam Gallagher who know what it feels like. We’re the only ones who know how many people we’ve touched and how powerful that is. I feel like I’m on a one-man mission. I’m here to use my tools and my gift to take them to a higher level.”

Gallagher, when asked, said, “Who the fuck’s Richard Ashcroft?” After careful explanation, he retorted with, “Well, who the fuck’s this God character then?”

In more enlightening news, Mercury Prize-winning hip hopper, Ms Dynamite, recently strutted her stuff all over a policewoman’s face in London after being, um, asked to stop kicking a nightclub door. She was taken into custody and charged with disorderly conduct and assaulting a police officer – although now she’s no doubt regretting her decision to leave the Glock at home. Imagine the scandal? Imagine the record sales! Sigh…

The hip hop don’t stop there, no not neither. Patrick “The Paedophile Out Of Donnie Darko” Swayze is planning to follow up his 1987 Dirty Dancing hit with a rap single. He was overheard talking his way out of a mugging by saying, “Rap rhythms are an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” This melted the heart of the 12-year-old crack addict holding the knife to his balls and he was allowed to go. The single is tentatively titled, I Still Gots My Wallet, Yo.

It’s not all bad news though, for noise fans anyway. Sonic Youth are also in the studio recording their seven-hundredth and eighteenth album. They’re working in their favourite New York studio and had given some songs names, like Pink Steam, Do You Believe In Rapture, Or, and Sleepin’ Around. The as-yet untitled album is due out sometime this year.

Guitarist Lee Ranaldo said of the new material: “Some of it seems to be an extension of the last couple of records…” More of the same, eh, Lee? He goes on, “Some hearkens forward into a new territory and also back to earlier, more dissonant and atonal stuff we’ve done.” In a nutshell – more of the same.

Interestingly enough Joy Division will be reforming to record songs for a film about the band. Presumably it will also cover the death – and, it would seem, the recent resurrection – of Ian Curtis. He won’t like that…

Terror strikes the heart of Nashville as Bee Gee Barry Gibb splashes out $2.5million on Johnny Cash’s house. I hope he haunts you like no country singer has ever haunted a squeaky-voiced gimp before, Barry!

And as if that wasn’t enough tragedy and mayhem for one lifetime – Van Halen are threatening to reunite! Lead singer David Lee Roth was recently quoted as saying, “I talked to the drummer [Alex Van Halen] and the inevitable will happen…” Do you have to make it sound so sinister though?

Seriously, who’s next? Hawkwind, perhaps…

Oh, and Tom Jones got knighted alongside Arcade Fire, Arctic Monkeys, Declan O’Rourke and the Conway Sisters. Bono didn’t get one this time, but he said he doesn’t mind because he’s the Pope’s favourite.

Probably a bad idea... But, hey, bonus material!

I don't know quite why, but it occurred to me this evening that I could squeeze an few blog posts out of recycling old stuff I wrote for Connected in the not-so-distant past. I mean, why not?

Obviously there are a great many reasons for why not, but I'm going to disregard all of them and plough on regardless. A distinct lack of readership on here emboldens me somewhat, because this is mostly so I can look back over my old babblings and pat myself on the back for being such a witty sort, wince with embarrassment over my clunky use of the English language and perhaps even learn something in the process. Who knows maybe I'll get that Harper Collins deal out of it.

So, without further ado I give you the What's Going On? column that was recently NOT published in December last year thanks to various things, not least Editor Niall's tobacco-inspired heart attack. Yipes! It could happen to any of us. Well, you. Certainly not me.

Ahem.

Here goes:

Alternative-to-the-Alternative WGO, Dec 09 (Re-re-written because the original re-write was 'too negative' and implied that Connected would disappear forever. I still have my suspicions. Censorshipses!)

“Gadder roun, young uns, tis time fer a tail grown ole in der tellin. A tail of time gone wenn dere wuz still ‘Kool’ on der Grate Earf. Wenn dere existed a tribe known by der tag of Konnekted (smart-mens still argue over spellins and such, it could’ve bin ‘Connekted’, either). A ragged bunch of viagrabonds an so-called blaggin bastards, whose sole motive on dis Grate Earf wuz to bring larfter an deelite to der moosik-lovin masses, be dey late tens, early twennies or p’raps a mite beyon collidge age… Fer five long Grate Earf-Cycles did dis tribe exist, limpin Moon-to-Moon by skins of teef an hooks of crooks, bringin to lite not twenny, but twice that an haff as much again more Maggerzeens filt wiv tellins tall an moosick deeds mitey. Larfter an slander in measures equal dey containt, wyle never once fer munny did ever dey arsk…”

If there were to be a cataclysmic event, or series of events, sometime in the next few months then I would hope that once the dust clears and the rubble settles and the new, post-Armageddon society has formed itself into primitive groups governed by stories of the Pass-Dat-Wuz – I hope they will remember us in this way. ‘Us’ being Connected Magazine. I would like to think I’ll get a kind of Beowulfian walk-on part at some stage, but I wouldn’t want to put words into the mouths of our soon-to-be-replacements on what will be left of our devastated planet…

I’m not counting on it – although stupider writings have been used to rebuild fallen civilizations in the past. The bible, anyone? (Did you know bible is actually an acronym for ‘Believe in bollox? Life eternal!’ – which kind of sums it all up…) I mean, the worst anyone could get out of a Connected-based society is the foolish idea that Bonde Do Role actually deserved a cover story, or that the world is run by alien-lizard-people or that snarky in-jokes were actually funny.

Sadly, it might not take a nuclear winter/asteroid strike/Sarah Palin pussy-fart to make a post-Connected world a reality. Perhaps it is already too late, but with carbon-trading and… Er, sorry, wrong crisis… With a generous donation from some wealthy donor (kebabs? Where?!) this magazine might live forever. On the other hand, in the real world, it will more likely take a couple of months off and then return as a bigger (more pages), bolder (more colours – nothing on the spectrum is too far out. Infra-red? Fuck yeah!), badder (everyone’s a cunt, you fucks, etc, and so on), and bi-curious (will include stuff that is not music, too). Ha! You thought this was going to be all doom’n’shit. (It was.)

I was asked if I’d insert a word for all our fallen comrades in publishing arms and, while I am sympathetic, this is not the page for sentiment. Schadenfreude is the only ‘S’ word around here (well, aside from Shit, Sucks and Steve – not always in that order).

Sigh. (Oh, another one!)

Perhaps there is time for one nugget of music news. An Xmas miracle, if you will. It seems that The Velvet Underground, or at least some of them (Lou Reed, Mo Tucker and the guy who replaced John Cale) are going to appear in a panel discussion in Noo Yoik in December. Could this be the start of something beautiful, wonderful and international? Could it be that ‘An Evening With The VU’ will become a touring show, where they get to bicker and break up every night before an audience of bloodthirsty fans?

You already know that answer to that – but perhaps someone will put a drumstick through Lou’s face for having the unmitigated Bad Taste to record a song with the fucking Killers. Transformer and Berlin were a long time ago, Lou!

Fuck Buttons, anyone?

Mwarrrrr!

Here Be Stuff 'n Things

This is not a spammer, no.

Although sometimes it is hard to know.

Time to go.

Boldly? Oh...